31st July - 4th August 2011 - West Country Tour
31st July - 4th August 2011 - West Country Tour
Tour Match - 40 Overs per side
Oldbury-on-Severn 263 all out (39.5 overs)
New Ash Green 213 all out (34.3 overs)
New Ash Green lost by 50 runs
The usual reminder about tour reports - pay attention to tour nicknames, as I will say them only once! The 2011 tour got under way on a humid day in the boggy Severn estuary at Oldbury, where the flies outnumbered the players by several hundred to one, especially in the pub. The touring party bedecked in a mixture of Forest Green and Safety Orange tour shirts gathered at the Anchor for lunch and pre-match drinks before meandering over to the ground, as usual arriving well before the home side…or at least most of them. On arrival they found two young and capable looking cricketers practising in the nets, a slightly alarming prospect prior to the usual gentle tour opener, and as the rest of the Oldbury side pitched up in dribs and drabs the tourists discovered that they were rather younger and more athletic on average than in previous years. With the touring party expanded to 16 there were fewer capable ringers and more social cricketers than in the past, so while the side was not notably older it was perhaps less strong than in the past. Given that Oldbury only had four players present at the toss, and that there was a sense that they might be stronger than usual, skipper for the day Matthew “Q” Quantrill chose to field first on winning the toss, to try and assess the strength of the opposition from there. He got a fairly quick answer as two Nichols, probably cousins rather than brothers (note - the temptation to make obvious jokes about village sides in the West Country and family relationships has been and will be firmly resisted) opened the batting, and after playing out Kieran “Kez” Hoddinott's first over tamely (only a wide cost him a maiden) they then proceeded to score runs at a brisk rate against all comers with an array of quality cricket shots, particularly from skipper and Birthday Boy Mike Nichols. Matt “Dot Ball” Bushe and Kez were unable to make a breakthrough as opening bowlers, and first change bowlers Arron “Combat Cricketer” Ward and Edward “Ted” Quantrill were also put to the sword, though Ted was unlucky to see Dot Ball completely misjudge a catch on the boundary and step under it, and could have had another when Combat Cricketer dropped what would have been a superb catch at mid-wicket. Dan “Length” Lewsey had been hoping for a day off from bowling and a chance to bat, but had to be called upon to stem the flow of runs. Initially he fared no better than the rest, but his tenth ball was pulled to the mid-wicket boundary where Combat Cricketer made ground to get his hands to it but couldn't quite take the catch. The ball got away for 4, taking Mike Nichols to 97, but he was cruelly denied a birthday century when his very next ball was tickled behind and well held by Karl “Pea” Bartlett to end a first wicket stand of 157. The next man in was the only dangerman that New Ash Green were aware of, Sam Phelps, who has in the past smashed huge numbers of runs. In no time he was hammering a huge straight six off Length, but attempting to repeat the shot next ball he got a thick edge and the ball spun away to point where Dot Ball was secure and joyous beneath the catch, much to Phelps' visible disgust. Two balls later Length had a third wicket when an attempted slog went not very far and was held by Q. Q had brought himself on for his first New Ash Green bowl of the season at the other end, and in his second over a slower ball beat the batsman and bowled him. The very next ball to old foe Bob Gazzard pitched just outside the left hander's leg stump and just turned enough to sneak behind his legs and knock back the leg stump. The hat trick ball was dealt with severely, smacked back down the ground for four, but the next over brought a repeat, with a slower, loopier ball beating the batsman in the flight and bowling him. With Length finally removing the other Nichols the game was completely turned round, 157-0 in the 21st over having become 190-7 in the 27th. Length and Q retired from the attack and were replaced by Felix “Mini Q” Quantrill and James “Joli” Oliver. Mini Q started well, bowling accurately with a little bit of movement, and his second over picked up the eighth wicket with a smart stumping from Pea. He had a maiden in his next over, and at that point had 1-5 form three overs, but tired slightly in his last two and went for a few more runs. At the other end Joli was serving up a mixture of bowling which unfortunately included a few rather inviting balls, and was allowing the ninth wicket partnership to regain the initiative for Oldbury. They added 57 for that wicket until the return of opening bowler Kez broke the partnership in the penultimate over and Length completed the job in the last over, getting the last man stumped but only after a couple more big hits.
Tea time, including cakes for the skipper, passed happily enough, but soon afterwards the tour took a downward plunge. Mark “Rozzer” Chapelhow and Pea opened the batting, and found themselves facing the bowling of Sam Phelps, who took out his frustration at his early dismissal on the batsmen with an aggressive spell which accounted for Rozzer in the first over, and soon afterwards for Pea and the unfortunate Tim “Daffy” Cooper. Joli was given out LBW and halfway through the fifth over the score was 9-4 and Q found himself at the crease rather earlier than he had been hoping. He did at least spoil Phelps perfect figures with an off glance for 4, but it was Combat Cricketer who took on the mantle of run scorer, smashing the unfortunate Bob Gazzard for several fours, which were rather surprisingly enough to see him removed from the attack despite the huge total on the board. Oldbury obviously didn't want to take any risks of letting New Ash Green back into the game, so they replaced Gazzard with the younger Ross, and kept Phelps going. Phelps removed Combat Cricketer for 24, and Ross had Length caught behind in his first over and in his second had the unfortunate Ted, not having the luckiest of days, brilliantly caught by Sam Nichols the ball after he had dropped what would have been an equally brilliant catch, both balls destined for the boundary had he not intervened spectacularly. That reduced the tourists to a rather sorry looking 42-7, and although Oldbury didn't quite feel sufficiently safe to remove Ross from the attack they did take Phelps off after 6 overs and brought on Colin Johnson to bowl a few flighted deliveries, though always with the security of 4 men on the boundary. Refusing to throw away their wickets on big hits Q and Kez worked the ball into gaps, and with the help of reverse sweeps and pulls found a few boundaries, while Q also pounced on a couple of full tosses from Ross to lose two balls in successive balls, the first a one bounce four which hopped over the fence and into the ditch beyond, and the second a much better hit over square into the next field for six. When Johnson had gone for 36 in three overs and Ross dropped another short and was again hit out of the ground by Q Oldbury were sufficiently rattled to bring on two new seam bowlers - after all New Ash Green were nearly half way to a winning total, and still had 3 wickets in hand, it is easy to see why they were worried. They may have been even more worried when these seam bowlers failed to make the anticipated breakthrough, Al Johnson going for 21 in three overs before being replaced and Sam Nichols being cut for four and driven straight back over his head for six in his first over. Eventually the captain and birthday boy decided to turn to his big weapon, himself, and with his first ball he bowled Kez who tried to glance him away but succeeded only in getting an edge onto off stump. This ended a stand of 110 for the eighth wicket and Oldbury must have thought it was all over, especially when they mistook Dot Ball's leave for an inability to pick up the ball because of the supposed pace of the bowling. Although New Ash Green were still over 100 runs adrift when Dot Ball walked to the crease, with the run rate required in the region of 8 an over, they began to get seriously worried as they realised that Dot Ball was perfectly capable of blocking them all day long at their pace and Q, with his eye in, was still hitting them to all corners of the ground. Dot Ball took several overs to get off the mark, bringing a huge cheer from the travelling support, and with positive running Q was able to bring up his century, the cue for Dot Ball to unleash the power of his edge and hit two consecutive fours himself. 55 more were added for the ninth wicket and with the run rate still being maintained at about 8 an over Oldbury were beginning to look genuinely worried, but at that point Q tried to charge the Birthday Boy, missed and was bowled for 120. This time it really was all over, and even Oldbury were relaxed enough about it to bowl gently at Mini Q, who promptly took advantage by carting his first ball in adult cricket over square leg for two, bringing possibly the biggest cheer of the day from the crowd of both Oldbury and New Ash Green supporters, including his proud grandparents. That ended that over, and Dot Ball scored a four in the next which might have got the hearts of the more overly cautious Oldbury players racing again, but Mini Q could not repeat his heroics of the previous over, and was bowled by the third ball of the 35th over to end the game with a fifty run defeat to start the tour. Still this was a respectable result against a much stronger Oldbury side than the tourists have faced in recent years, bearing in mind that the home side were forced to use pretty much all their strongest bowlers to ensure the win, while the tourists gave a wide variety of bowlers a game, even at the end of the innings when they could have finished matters off quickly. As it was they all got a go, and they didn't do too much to spoil their host's skipper's twenty first birthday…apart from denying him that century of course!
After the match there was something of a split in the tour party, caused in part by the barbecue being hosted at the ground for the Birthday Boy. The older and more responsible tourists decamped to the Anchor where the president and several hundred flies joined them for a pleasant dinner, while most of the younger element spent a short while at the barbecue before heading into Bristol to find their accommodation and, more importantly, check out the local nightlife as soon as possible. As this report is written they have not yet returned, though no phone calls from police cells asking for assistance have yet been received either. Any tales of misbehaviour, suitably censored for the sake of families, friends and, especially, other halves will of course be passed on in the future, suitably exaggerated and embellished as they no doubt will be even before passing through the filter of these reports. The fleshpots of Coalpit Heath await the touring party on the morrow….
Tour Match - 40 Overs per side
Coalpit Heath 222-8 (40 overs)
New Ash Green 188-9 (40 overs)
New Ash Green lost by 34 runs
So…the morning after the first night before. The younger element of the touring party spent a long evening reconnoitring the night spots of Clifton, and apparently indulging in dance offs, which do not involve competitive ball room dancing or Bruce Forsyth in any way. Tales were confused and varied, probably because of the amount of alcohol consumed, but it appears that Dave “The Baker” Baker tried very hard to score with pretty much anything that moved, but with limited success, while Combat Cricketer did succeed in pulling without even trying (he is shortly getting married so of course will be behaving impeccably on tour) but in response pushed away the amorous young lady despite her definite pulchritude…or at least that may have been the word he used. In any event he turned her down when he discovered that he couldn't actually reach far enough to put his arms round her.
The late night had a varying effect on the tour party. The responsible element were up at a sensible time, and they were joined by the youngest of the late night contingent who were still of an age where they could shrug off a near sleepless night with little ill effect. A group of these headed to Globe Sports for a net with the bowling machine, while the remainder crawled slowly out of bed nursing hangovers of differing intensity, with the Hoddinotts apparently worst affected and deciding they were not fit to play cricket. With a quick re-shuffle the eleven places were filled and the tour party headed for Coalpit Heath in optimistic mood. The crucial action took place in the pub where the day's captain, Olly “Kuyt” Cooper, drew the batting order out of a hat, but with his batting order decided he then put off the moment it would be put into action by winning the toss and inserting the home team. Length and The Baker opened the bowling, and for a couple of overs each looked like they would put the batsmen under pressure. However the home side soon started nudging the ball around, picking up ones and twos, very much a feature of their innings, which featured very few boundaries. Length kept it reasonably tight and The Baker wasn't too expensive either, but neither could make the breakthrough, and after six overs each they gave way to Joe “Essex” Elisak and Glen “Kenny” Freeman. Essex was the senior spinner and man in form, but it was Kenny who ended the first wicket partnership at 58, a good catch by Dot Ball in the gully, then took the other opener bowled aiming an airy drive at a well pitched up ball. The next pair had a few pieces of luck, some missed catches and chances, but put on another 75 runs, seeing off Essex and Kenny. Kuyt kept it tight at one end when he came on, while Rozzer was a bit more expensive with his brand of deceptively flighted deliveries, but it was Rozzer who ended the third wicket stand when the batsman prodded one back to him and he took it one handed to his left, a catch that would have stunned even John Harley. Two overs later he was at it again, this time with the help of Kenny, who took a very good catch running back from mid off. With the hosts looking to up the run rate Rory Woodland, a guest for New Ash Green on tour last year tried to go on the charge, and gave Rozzer his third wicket in the next over when he charged and missed, and to general amazement Combat Cricketer whipped off the bails. With time running out Kuyt turned to his opening bowler, Length, to return at one end, and he repaid him by taking two wickets in the penultimate over, ending the marathon innings of Jake Reed, who made 56 without a single boundary before he found the Essex catch magnet. Two balls later last year's other guest Chris Brown edged behind and Combat Cricketer safely clung on. At the other end, though, John “Spot” Howland was having a less successful final couple of overs, finding himself bowling to a left hander who thus had the short pavilion boundary at his mercy. Four sixes and a four gave the batsman 34 in just 14 balls, and Spot the slightly sorry figures of 0-37 in two overs, as well as almost costing the club its senior supporter, as one of the sixes crashed into Arthur Cooper's chair arm, missing him by inches. Daffy, it should be noted, stood and moved out of the way rather than protect his father. Just when it all seemed to be over the umpires conspired to give Spot another ball, perhaps hoping he might get to his fifty, but instead it was pushed back to him, and the batsmen got themselves into a complete mess, giving Spot and easy run out to protect his figures from further destruction. The final total of 222-8 looked to be a good one on a slow wicket, and with a long boundary on the far side.
There followed a long pause for tea, and a superb selection of sandwiches, savouries and cakes that would have graced High Tea at the Ritz, and was made all the more enjoyable by the news from Trent Bridge where India were fading to defeat in the second test. Kuyt had managed to pick himself out of the hat first, so he and Pea went out to open. They looked solid enough to start with, and dreams of building a text book run chase were just beginning to develop when Pea tried to pull a ball that didn't bounce a lot (as most weren't) and was LBW. The very next over Kuyt drove uppishly and straight to mid off, and the score was 15-2. Essex and Dot Ball consolidated, Essex looking to be aggressive while Dot Ball lived up to his name. Had Coalpit Heath bowled a bit straighter they might have had Essex numerous times, as he missed with many full blooded swings, but none of them hit the stumps, and when he did connect the runs flowed. Dot Ball stayed with him while 34 were added, before being bowled by a quick Yorker, and Spot then played a similar supporting role as another 48 were added for the 4th wicket. Eventually it was aggression that did for Spot, stumped as he danced down the track. With the overs running out and the run rate escalating Rozzer pushed hard with the bat and in running, before holing out at point. There then followed possibly the quickest of cameos in cricketing history, as Jolly sprinted to the wicket the moment the catch was held, getting there before Rozzer was anywhere near halfway back to the pavilion. By the time he was on the steps Jolly had swung and missed at his first ball, had his stumps knocked over, and was sprinting back to the pavilion as fast as he had gone out. He had virtually overtaken Rozzer by the time he was back up the steps, somewhat less than a minute after he had jumped to his feet. That brought The Baker to the crease to joining Essex, and although the target was now almost impossible they kept going for it, to the extent that the home side felt the need to keep their serious bowlers in action rather than take any risks with opening the game up. They put on a rapid 39 for the seventh wicket, and the greatest interest was whether Essex could reach his hundred. A pulled six into and over the car park took him into the nineties, but the next ball he faces saw another charge, swing and miss, but for a change the ball was straight and his leg stump was knocked out of the ground, ending his innings for a gallant 91. Soon afterwards The Baker was caught at long on, and any faint hopes of a victory were well and truly extinguished, but the remaining batsmen went down fighting, particularly Combat Cricketer, who hit a six over the pavilion from his first ball, and continued swinging before eventually being caught at long on, just as The Baker had been, to the penultimate ball. Kenny was also not out, and Length saw off the final ball to ensure that the visitors were at least not all out, and had again achieved a respectable result given they had give a go to a few lesser bowlers - though to be fair Coalpit Heath had also given lots of bowlers a go, they just didn't have much in the way of lesser bowlers.
It was an enjoyable game, though, and played in good spirit by both teams, and a few drinks and stories were exchanged by both sides while the fines committee limbered up for its first perfomance of the tour. Eventually it cranked into action, with James "Senior Pro" Thorn ignoring all heckles, whatever their merits, as he struggled to read his way through Spot's notes. The entire touring party picked up a fine of some sort despite protestations, with the opposition, who had been coaching the tourists on how to chat girls up in a West Country accent, enjoying the entertainment, pleased that they avoided any fines this year, despite a recently established tradition of picking on at least one of them. The popular acclaim for a fine for the batsman who had played out a maiden from The Baker led to much finger pointing between the opening batsmen, but no culprit was discovered, so perhaps they escaped by what is known to lawyers as a cut throat defence. The fines money and Essex's jug contributed to the merriment as the touring party geared itself up for another night out in Clifton - though a surprising number were flagging already, so it will be interesting to see how many make it to day five intact - mass refusals for the golf tomorrow are looking increasingly likely.
Tour Match - 40 Overs per side
New Ash Green 235-7 (40 overs)
Failand & Portbury 199-9 (40 overs)
New Ash Green won by 36 runs
The second night was taking its toll on the touring party judging by the early return (they were in bed before 3) and the state of many of them the following morning. Nonetheless there are some tales to tell, and despite the unwillingness of anyone to talk on record the mixture of gossip, boasting, banter and snitching that reached the reports enables some half truths to be peddled as accurate accounts of what happened, which included Combat Cricketer pulling yet again and bringing some girls back to the flats before doing the gentlemanly thing and paying for their taxi home, and [censored to avoid the innocent from being chastised by those who might believe the rubbish that is written here], though quite why he would want to do that is far from clear. David Baker is not reported to have groped everything that moved on this occasion, but he did get very loud indeed, to the extent that the post night out conversation in the lower floor flat could be heard on the other side of the Avon Gorge, which did at least enable Q to intercept a raiding party of Essex and another trying to get into the top floor flat before they could get past the door.
Given the late night there was nonetheless an excellent showing for the traditional Pitch 'n' Putt at Ashton Court on Tuesday morning, with only Length failing to make the meet, and sixteen players in total neatly making up four 4 balls. The usual low standards were maintained, both in terms of golfing quality and etiquette, and the usual struggle to complete 18 holes in time to have a pub lunch meant that determining the final scores was more of an art than a science. The group of Pea, The Baker, Kuyt and The Edge was impatient enough and sure enough of their inability to hit a ball that they insisted on teeing off on each hole before the senior group in front of them (Rozzer, Daffy, Senior Pro and Spot) had finished on the green, with the consequence that Pea managed to hit a ball onto one green and hit Spot on the foot. Various trick shots were launched, but of those who finished 18 holes (totally 6 out of 16) it was, surprisingly, Q who was low scorer with 83, closely followed by Kez and Essex, but Rozzer, whose group walked off after 14 holes in order to make it to the pub for lunch, was on 66 at that point and would have won if he had been able to finish in level 4s, while Daffy was on 68 and could have also challenged with a strong finish.
The short trip on to Horse Race Lane, the home of Failand and Portbury, revealed that the club had bought bits of field on two sides of the ground, allowing an expansion in width and length, and opening up fabulous vistas in two directions, turning an already attractive ground into an idyllic one. Andy “Foot Long” Mayers joined the tour, and as well as being the first tourist to the ground (a unique event for him) also managed to win the toss, and to the delight of Combat Cricketer choose to bat first. Kez somehow talked himself into opening, and the game also saw the welcome return as opener of Derry “Ringer No.3” West, featuring this year as the sole ringer of tour. It was Kez, somewhat surprisingly, who took on the mantle of early run scorer before he was bowled for 17. Essex had also been talking up his success batting at number 3 to Foot Long, and managed to put his money where his mouth was by playing another substantial innings, in many ways in fact a much better one than the previous day. Whereas Monday had seen him swing and miss many times, Tuesday saw mostly responsible forward defensive shots, and nicely timed drives. With Ringer No.3 dabbing away nicely, and producing the occasional big shot from his locker, including a lovely off drive for six, the pair quickly built a sound partnership, adding 80 for the second wicket before Ringer No.3 eventually fell trying to drive over the top again. At the half way stage New Ash Green had been on 90-1, and with Failand usually having made well over 200 in the last few years, they felt they needed to push on a bit. However the first 6 overs after drinks saw only another 18 runs added for the loss of Ringer No.3, and the next two overs brought just three more runs and saw the demise of Kenny, who was well caught at square leg trying to push the pace along. This brought Q to the wicket to join Essex, and he quickly looked to step up the pace. After a cautions first couple of overs in which they took a look at the two new bowlers they quickly started to pick up the pace, both in playing attacking shots and running between the wickets. Bob Andrews and, especially, Sam Gunarathne, suffered the brunt of the onslaught, Gunarathne's third over going for 23 runs, which included a remarkable three three's, something which is almost certainly unique on this ground, and still takes some doing with the expansion. Another three in the following over made it four in seven balls, and the tiring batsmen decided to seek the sanctuary of the boundary instead, with Q launching his third six over the pavilion. Having reached his fifty in 22 balls Q attempted a reverse sweep for 6 from Gunarathne's last ball, missed and was bowled for 57, giving the bowler some compensation for going for 53 in four overs. The partnership had lasted just 8 overs and added 98 runs, setting the tourists up for the sort of total they thought they would need. Following Q's departure there was a flurry of wickets as the opening bowlers returned. Combat Cricketer was unable to get off the mark in five balls before being LBW, Essex got a flying edge to fly slip, where Failand skipper Lyndon Prendergast had just placed himself, and Pea wasted no time in making his duck, bowled first ball. The skipper, Foot Long stopped the rot, scoring off every ball he faced as he got to 16 in seven balls, and The Baker ensured he was well supported as he made 9 form eight, so that 24 were put on for the 8th wicket in 14 balls. New Ash Green ended on 235, a useful score in a 40 over game, but on past experience by no means a guaranteed winning score at Failand.
As it turned out, though, Failand were not quite as strong as they have been in some recent years, and those they did have were alleged to be out of form with the bat. The beginning of the innings also saw the rather late appearance on tour of the recent tour comedy items, the Shirt of Shame and the Clapping Hands hat. The Shirt was worn by Pea in honour of his first ball duck, while the hat was quickly, if perhaps unfairly, awarded to Kez for an early alleged failure to attempt a catch form Kuyt's bowling. The two tourists who had not batted opened the bowling, and Length got over a first ball wide and an inability to appeal through having lost his voice, to bowl a probing spell without success, but restricting the run scoring sufficiently to put the hosts under pressure. At the other end Kuyt went for a few more runs, but had more success, removing both openers to thin edges well caught by Pea behind the stumps. There then followed an unusual incident that was almost very notable, as Sam Gunarathne pulled a short ball from Kuyt for a big six, and on the way managed to wing a startled pigeon flying across the ground. A few inches closer to its body and the pigeon would have been much more than startled, and the batsman probably very annoyed, but as it was the pigeon was able to fly off with whatever the bird equivalent of a limp is called, with Kez in hot pursuit trying to insist that it take the Hat from him. Soon afterwards Failand suffered a further blow, when an unwise single was attempted with, to put it kindly, a certain lack of calling, and Gunarathne was left well short as Kuyt and Pea combined well again to complete the run out. Once the openers had finished the change bowling saw Foot Long into the action bowling what he described as spin, though it took some time before anyone was able to find out if it would turn or not, as the ball mostly failed to make contact with the wicket. Nonetheless he ended the third wicket partnership when the batsman followed a leg side full toss and pulled it into the safe hands of Kuyt - the skipper at least having the grace to look embarrassed by his success. The next pair consolidated, with Failand keeper Chapman punching the occasional powerful cover drive to the boundary, but he was unfortunate to get a beautiful inswinger from The Baker in the midst of a somewhat inconsistent spell. At this stage Failand were on almost the same stage as New Ash Green, but had more wickets down and didn't look as if they would b able to mount the sort of acceleration required to make the total. Against an all off spin attack in the last sixteen overs they kept plugging away, but wickets kept falling. Kenny struck first, via a comedy catch from Dan Lewsey, who had to call for one in the air, but could only manage the most pathetic wheezed “Mine” heard for many a year as his throat was still not in full working order. Whether it was the fact that he was laughing as much as the rest of the team at this peculiar sound or simple incompetence that made him spill the initial catch is unknown, but he managed to scoop up the escaping ball close to the ground, consequently collapsing in a heap alongside most of the players - even the batsman departed with a smile on his face. Combat Cricketer then had a batsman hit to the Catch Magnet that is Essex, and Kenny had another driven to The Baker at mid on. Bob Andrews and Mark Day then added 49 for Failand's 8th wicket with the aid of a few dropped catches that saw the Hat being passed quickly from hand to hand, and enabled Day to hit his first six on his home ground, which he followed up soon afterwards with his second, landing it amidst the rolls on the barbecue table. Andrews was eventually well stumped by Pea off Kez, and Lyndon Prendergast, Failand's skipper for the day and legendary run machine of (somewhat distant) years past came out and batted left handed, to protect an injury, but managed to survive to the end with Day. The final total was 199-9, a comfortable margin, but in a game that seemed to have been enjoyed by the participants and in which most people had had a go at something.
The latter half of the innings had had fielders near the pavilion distracted by the wafting smells from the warming up of the barbecue, and after changing the cricketers and ravaging hoards of visitors were able to tuck in to delicious burgers and hot dogs, which were very much appreciated, before gathering for fines which largely reflected the above incidents, though mention has to be made as well of a fine Senior Pro for mistaking his cigarette for a golf tee and attempting to tee up on it at one hole on the golf. There was then a quiz laid on by Spot with assistance from Lyndon Prendergast, who acted as enforcer, and kept the touring rabble in check. The Presidents XI from New Ash Green and the Tailenders from Failand ended in a deadlock, which was broken by a tie break question, lost with great aplomb by the President and giving the hosts a consolation victory. All in all a perfect day on tour, and huge thanks have to go as ever to our hosts, who played an essential part in making it such a good day. Should they get as far as reading these reports, and it appears that all sorts of strange people do, then please be assured that your efforts are greatly appreciated. The touring team eventually meandered back towards Clifton as darkness descended, with enthusiasm for hitting the town distinctly flagging, but clearly a feeling that it had to be done driving them on. Combat Cricketer tried to save time and taxi fares by chatting up a couple of Italian students staying in the Halls, but whether he was successful or not only the gossip mill in the morning will tell.
Tour Match - 40 Overs per side
Temple Cloud 280-6 (40 overs)
New Ash Green 269-6 (40 overs)
New Ash Green lost by 11 runs
For all the doubts during the day it seems that when it came down to it no one could actually bring themselves to have an early night. The Italian students were taken on a date to the Lansdown, but whether it was the fact that a pub that appeals to Senior Pro is hardly likely to attract hot blooded young Italian ladies, or that the charms of Jolly and Combat Cricketer weren't up to the job it appears that the budding international romance fizzled out some time in the evening - either that or everyone is being remarkably discreet. There were rumoured to be police everywhere in the Clifton area, but remarkably they weren't interested in the touring party, even when The Baker accused one of them of not being a real policeman. The whole party thus seems to have made it back to the halls, though they were reputed to have started a riot on arrival. Even more remarkably almost the whole party were up and ready in time for departure to the bowling, the one exception being Length, who failed to make an appearance for bowling or match. Despite Senior Pro's directions the whole squad were at the bowling almost on time. With the junior Qs, and one senior Q, joining the party there were 18 for bowling, and after the usual negotiation by Spot they divided into three groups of six for two games each:
Lane 1 - “The Jokers”: Edge, Kez, Dot Ball, Kenny, The Baker and Essex. Lots of silliness, much of which wound bu Dot Ball, who didn't appreciate having spectators wandering around the bowling area when he was trying to run up. Experimental balls of all sorts, and playing chicken with the sweeper somehow didn't lead to the group being ejected. Edge and Kez both managed to sneak over 100 in each game, Kenny got over it in the second game, but Dot Ball, despite the efforts to distract him led the way with 120 and 152. His first score might have been higher were it not for a near champagne moment just as he was about to bowl for a spare. A strange incident in the middle lane where the sweeper had come down for no reason in the middle of a bowl had left a ball in the right hand gutter half way down. Mini Q then let one fly, lost control of it to the right and saw it cannon off the stray ball in the gutter, leap back across the lane and hop into the neighbouring lane, where it rolled down the far gutter and was registered as a miss for a furious Dot Ball. The lack of sympathy from the rest of the players can only have helped his mood.
Lane 2 - “The Family”: Q, Mini Q, Ted, Anna, Granny Q and Pea. Q grafted to a respectable 123 first game, but the main interest was at the bottom, where Granny Q managed to beat both Mini Q and Anna. Ted was also under pressure in the final frame, but responded with a strike to save his blushes. More normal service was resumed in the second game, with Pea getting to 144 and Q recovering from a poor start to sneak up on the leaders, finishing on 166.
Lane 3 - “The Professionals”: Senior Pro, Rozzer, Spot, Combat Cricketer, Kuyt and Jolly. Apart from one odd man out (Jolly) this was where the serious action was. Rozzer had been marked out as a pro from the start, but this didn't intimidate Combat Cricketer, who started the faster. Spot and Senior Pro, used to being in contention, were left trailing, and battling it out with Kuyt for third place. Combat Cricketer triumphed in the first round, making 143 to Rozzer's disappointing 133, the other three all within a point on 119 and 118. The second game saw the pace step up, with Rozzer asserting himself and taking the single highest game prize, with 174, but he couldn't quite shake off combat cricketer who made 167 and thus took first place on aggregate score. Spot and Senior Pro faded in the heat, and Kuyt claimed third place on his own with 129.
For some bizarre reason the team were through the bowling far faster than usual, and arrived at the Ring 'o' Bells in plenty of time to order and eat lunch, even Senior Pro, who trailed in last after taking a short cut, without being late to the ground, leading to a few confused cricketers wondering what to do when they had finished their meal. Eventually they managed to get back into cars and get to the ground, to find the President waiting for them, and asserting all his wily skills in winning the toss against Captain Pea and choosing to put his feet up (metaphorically at least as he opened the umpiring) and let his team bat first. New Ash Green opened with the seam twins, Edge and Kez, who did a respectable job despite taking themselves down as best they could. They were replaced by Dot Ball and Essex, and with Dot Ball bowling well the opening pair were actually reined in a little, so that by the half way point the score had only just got above four an over at 20. At this point they looked to accelerate, which resulted in the first two wickets falling in Dot Ball's final over, which seemed to last an eternity as it started with a six over the road leading to time spent hunting for a ball that was never found, and included two wides and the two wickets, respectively mis-hit to cover and mid-wicket. Dot Ball finished with the best figures, 2-32 in eight overs that included two maidens. With Essex having also finished a respectable spell with little luck The Baker and Q were sent into the firing line as Temple Cloud looked to lift the run rate. Opening batsman Kevin Curtis had his eye in, and is one of their biggest hitters, and Gary James at four is also a powerful attacking batsman, so there was something of the sense of sacrificial lambs, and indeed Q was powerless to stop Curtis when he decided to go for it and hit him for three successive sixes. He was taken out of the attack and replaced by Kenny, but The Baker benefitted form Curtis deciding he had done enough and walking down the wicket and waiting patiently for Rozzer behind the stumps to gather it and dive forward to push it onto the stumps. There was no respite for the bowlers though with James carrying on with big clean hits and balls getting lost on every side of the ground. In the end James fell to a thick outside edge which, inevitably, went to Essex who was hiding at short third man to protect a sore arm. Kenny benefitted from another gift wicket with a batsman walking down the wicket and making no attempt to get back. The final wicket came from the last ball, going to Q who had been brought back for two more sacrificial overs finishing off from the far end, and managed to get another thick edge to fly to the catch magnet at short third. The failure to score a run from the last three balls meant Temple Cloud just failed to reach 200 off the last twenty overs, but they still set a formidable target of 280.
A superb tea, lovingly prepared by Mrs. President, kept both sides busy for some time, end eventually Rozzer and Pea went out for a second attempt at an opening partnership on tour. Unlike that game the skipper in this game was more experienced in the ways of tour cricket, and didn't attempt to tie things down from the start. By the third ball they had improved on their first attempt, Rozzer getting a single, and against relatively gentle bowling they mad a steady start, putting on 38 in the first 8 overs. Chasing seven an over, though, this wasn't enough, and the President resorted to truly desperate tactics to feed the batsmen runs, bringing himself on to bowl. With some almost equally gentle bowling at the other end the run rate leapt forward, thePresident conceding 49 in four overs, and Withers at the other end going for 32. By the sixteenth over the score was 123, and New Ash Green were 66 runs ahead of Temple Cloud at the same stage. The President, feeling this was enough of a head start to make a game of it changed bowlers again, though not yet to his one true regular bowler. Mark “Big Tent” Culbraith came on to bowl his brand of slow and accurate seam that has taken wickets against the tourists before, while at the other end it was the much younger “Lug” Jeffries bowling with a little more pace. Culbraith's spell undid much of the good work done in the previous few overs, as he started with two maidens and ended up going for only nine runs in a six over spell, somewhat short of the 42 needed from six overs. At drinks New Ash Green were still 53 ahead of their opposition, but slowing down, although Rozzer had reached his fifty. Captain Pea did so soon afterwards, but in the next 8 overs only 31 runs were added, despite a couple of good overs, and their lead over the opposition had been reduced to 7. The President reverted to his opening bowler, Dan Besser, also known as Ringer No. 7 from last year's tour. The effect was immediate as he bowled Rozzer for 90, and the over continued in entertaining vein as Kez hit a four, a two and another four from his first three balls before being caught slicing another attempted drive, then finished with edge also hitting his first ball for four, making 2-14 in the over. His next over was almost as entertaining, going for 11 runs but bringing the wicket of Captain Pea, stumped for 69 from the last ball. His next over brought another wicket, Spot stumped, but at a cost of only six runs, and by now the required run rate was becoming unmanageable, especially when the president turned to his star bowler, Jason Head, who had the added advantage of the sun setting behind his arm. The batsmen continued to chance their arms with varying degrees of success, but Edge was quickly bowled by a full toss, and although Baker hit with great authority Q couldn't match him, and was eventually caught by the President trying to pull Head and failing. The Baker and Essex kept going, but by the final over 30 runs were needed, and the President felt secure enough to take his star bowler off and bring on himself. The final pair managed 18, mostly by The Baker, who ended with a rapid 39 not out, and the final margin of defeat was a deceptively respectable sounding 11 runs.
The evening was as usual filled with fines and, a Temple Cloud tradition, a game of stumps, although by then Temple had two few young and fit players remaining to field a full team, and had to borrow Combat Cricketer, Jolly and Dot Ball, but by the time they came into play the full NAG team was already leading, partly due to slack refereeing of the head down position by Spot. Plans for Lancaster Bomber and Spoons were thwarted by a lack of willing participants, and after a few more drinks and a speech by Spot the team headed back to Clifton, with Senior Pro bringing up the rear, by a short distance initially but a rather larger one by the time his local knowledge had selected the route back to the Halls, even allowing for Rozzer's inability to find his way back directly. The party split on the usual lines, with the Senior Pro, Rozzer, Spot and Dot Ball heading for the Lansdown and the younger element mostly heading out on the town. Around half past midnight there was a return form The Lansdown for a spot of gentle poker, with the party again splitting, Senior Pro taking a short cut of his own devising while the rest took the usual route and arrived back some fifteen minutes quicker. As the rain started to fall fingers were crossed for the final day of tour, but with the forecast appalling alternative plans were being laid.
Tour Match - 40 Overs per side
Barrow Gurney 224-6 (40 overs)
New Ash Green 201-7 (40 overs)
New Ash Green lost by 23 runs
A relatively subdued night out, combined with the absence of any planned activities for the morning resulted in a fully alert and awake tour party…except for most of them. Four nights of clubbing were taking their toll, and the gossip mill had closed down for the day, especially on the basis that feedback from home had suggested there was a risk of some people believing what is written in these reports about the social side of tour. It has to be emphasised that although the bare facts of the match reports are accurate the rest varies between exaggeration through satire and into complete fantasy, and should not be used against any tourist in any way. In any event the younger element of the tour party managed to drag themselves to the Princes Motto for the lunchtime meet, buoyed by the fact that most of them weren't required to play, Kuyt being the only player under 30 for the final game. The only sprightly one amongst the group referred to by Dot Ball as the reprobates was Length, who had benefitted greatly from getting up at 6 the previous day. (That is 6 in the evening, not the morning.) The morning rain was clearing up by the time lunch was taken, and although the ground was soggy the sun and wind were drying it quickly, and the game was able to start at 2.45 without any reduction in the traditional 40 overs. Several of the non-players decided to make the short walk back to the pub rather than stay and support, but Kenny and Pea stayed to man the scorebook and board, for which they earned (entirely useless) brownie points.
A “negotiated” toss saw a youthful Barrow side bat first, although they opened with three of their older members. Kuyt opened the bowling and almost had a wicket first ball when he moved it sharply away and the batsman's foot lifted momentarily, but got down (probably) before the bails were whipped off. Kuyt continued to bowl well throughout his spell, and on his later return, and Length, after a horrible loosener that would probably have brought him a wicket in a league game, also bowled tidily in conditions that suited his bowling. The batsmen used all their experience to see the openers off, though, with Length finally getting a wicket in his final over as the opening pair looked to up the pace. Dot Ball and Ringer No.3 took over the bowling, with Dot Ball bowling better than his eventual figures suggest, unlucky on several occasions not to take a wicket. Ringer No.3, by contrast, was actually slightly less consistent than his figures portray, but he did bowl some very good balls, and played a part in the next three wickets to fall. The first was the unfortunate Mick Hardy, one of those who has been involved in this fixture for many years, who was run out when his partner sliced Dot Ball in the air towards point. The ball dropped just short of Ringer No.3, but the batsman ran without any sort of call, and the fielder was able to gather the ball and get it in to complete a run out. The next wicket was that of Colin Fletcher, who has been trying to open up with big hits down the ground, and eventually hit one up in the air towards long off, where Spot failed to see it for some time, before various shouts woke him up just in time for him to sprint in and make the catch. Ringer No.3 saved his best bowling for last, though. The star batsman for Barrow was Gloucestershire Young Cricketer Ben Figuereido, but The President had a plan for him, playing on his favoured punch through mid wicket by placing eventually two short mid-wickets and an orthodox mid-wicket. The plan nearly paid off when Kez got a hand to one but couldn't quite hold it. Ringer No.3 continued to bowl perfectly to this plan, and his final over was a masterclass in working a young batsman over as Figuereido desperately tried to find some other shot to play to balls that were bowled perfectly for his favourite shot, and eventually got himself into such a twisted position that he was bowled by Ringer No.3's final ball. At this point the tourists bowling resources began to get a little thin. Foot Long tried bowling off a short run without control, and Kez was also wildly inconsistent, though he got one wicket when the Barrow Skipper Ali Hood got a leading edge and lobbed up the easiest of catches. Kuyt returned for his final two overs, and promptly induced a slice to backward point where his father put down the catch. He got his deserved wicket soon afterwards when an easy catch was put up to square leg where Spot managed to take the catch without having to be woken up first. Kez's refusal to bowl the final over gave The President the excuse to bowl himself for the final over. His first three balls went well enough, but then Ben Hodges decided to unleash the full swing of his bat, and sent successive balls into the cornfield, leading to a final score of 224-6.
Another magnificent tea was devoured before the tourists took to the field for a final attempt to chase down a big target. Q pushed on positively against the relatively gentle opening attack, buoyed by the very loud support of the returning Baker, Edge, Combat Cricketer and Jolly from the pub where they had been drinking the afternoon away. The first incident of note came when Q pulled a short ball to the mid-wicket boundary, and Dot Ball who was umpiring signalled the four and turned away just as the fielder launched a huge throw back in towards the bowler's stumps, which struck Dot Ball square on the head, knocking him to the ground. Fortunately there didn't seem to be any damage done beyond a sore head, and Dot Ball wanted to carry on umpiring but was persuaded to go and sit in a darkened room for a while to recover. Soon afterwards Q tried to push across a ball that hurried through and kept low, and was bowled for 29. Length was given the chance to show what he could do at number three, and showed that was push a few singles and slow the scoring rate before eventually being caught in the covers for 3. That brought Foot Long to the crease, and he and Ringer No.3 gradually lifted the run rate, putting on 91 for the third wicket, with Foot Long in particular hitting a couple of big off drives for six. The partnership ended when Ringer No.3 tried to pull an unexpected short ball and managed to guide it straight to the short leg fielder, who took a good low catch in front of his own supporters. Foot Long continued to push on, but as he became increasingly tired he took more and more risks, and eventually resorted to a Temple Cloud tactic, walking down the wicket and making very little effort to get back when he missed the ball, stumped for 80. At that point the run rate was still gettable, but not perhaps with the batsmen remaining. Barrow skipper Ali Hood was even prepared to give himself a bowl with some bowling reminiscent of the President, and Daffy took advantage with some pulls, one of which went for 4 and several more of which would have done if it weren't for the near superhuman fielding of Figuereido on the boundary, talents which eventually led to Daffy's dismissal for 9 when another pull was brilliantly caught low down. Senior Pro was playing his first game of the season, and he creaked audibly as he tried to swing the bat, though the appreciative audience were stunned by his speed between the wickets as he scampered ones and twos. With more than that needed, though, he tried to come down the wicket and launch a straight drive, and seemed to seize up half way through the shot, the ball bouncing gently on to the stumps. The president was due in next, but amidst the younger element on the sidelines there had been some suggestion that the run rate needed increasing and that a younger batsman was needed, and the moment the wicket fell Kez set off for the middle. Kez actually stopped and tried to return after he had got twenty yards or so, but the President called his bluff and insisted he go out and bat. Kez promptly proved it was not as easy as the spectators had believed, making three from nine balls, while at the other end Spot had swung and missed at another gentle lob from Hood, and the President showed what might have been by getting twelve from eight balls, and in a final over from veteran Pete Holdaway he managed to get the score past 200 and ensure some respectability in the final margin.
The teams returned on masse to the Princes Motto and after a few drinks the tour party drifted back to Clifton for the best attended Tour meal for many years at Clifton's Pizza Express. Eventually there were splits into those going in various directions, and tearful good byes as the touring party broke up for another year. Although the results have not been what might have been desired the tour as a whole has been a huge success, apparently enjoyed by pretty much all involved. Huge thanks as ever to Dot Ball, aka Matt Bushe, for all the work that he put into organising the tour and keeping the general rabble in line, and to all those who came and supported each other. We look forward to seeing you all again next year, by which time the gossip from the final night will have been forgotten and the innocent and the guilty will be safe from being exposed in the match reports.
Here They Are!!! The 2011 Tour Averages