2008 TOUR
2008 TOUR
WARNING: Official tour nicknames will be used throughout these reports. People's real names will be used only once, linked to their nicknames. So pay attention!
Friendly Match - 40 overs
New Ash Green 249-8 (40 overs)
Oldbury on Severn 163 all out (35 overs)
New Ash Green won by 86 runs
Tour under way, and unlike last year when anything north of Bristol was flooded it was bright and sunny, and a hard track awaited the team as they arrived at Oldbury. Of those playing only Andy “Chopper” Harrington was a veteran of the old ground up on the hill, though one or two other members of the party paid a visit to the now overgrown field for nostalgia purposes. It may have had a more spectacular view, and a considerable amount of character, but it would be fair to say that from a purely cricketing point of view the new ground is streets ahead. Remarkably almost the entire party found it without significant mishap, and the game started somewhat late at about 2.45. Oldbury generously conceded the toss, and Marc “Klusman” Klus had no hesitation in choosing to bat first. Dan “Campari” Lewsey produced his usual solidity as an opener, while Andy “Moonshine” Mayers was soon starting to rack up the runs. The opening bowlers were almost seen off without too much difficulty, but in the final over of their spell Campari was LBW, causing him to cast some pointed comments at James “Senior Pro” Thorn, who was umpiring at the time and took plenty of time (allegedly trying to think of any possible reason to not give him out) in making his decision. Lee “Son of Tosh” Sanders followed soon afterwards, whereupon Moonshine was joined by “Ruby” Shah, who immediately set about the bowling with a fine array of strokes/cowshots. The mooing from the pavilion did not deter him, and the pair racked up a partnership of 97 in quick time before Moonshine holed out for 73 from just 60 balls. Ruby followed him back to the pavilion shortly afterwards, his 64 made in just 50 balls, three less than Campari had taken over his 18. James “Joli” Oliver and Josh “Joshey” Hudson too the total past 200 before Joshey was run out by Joli. James “Cisco” Porter scored from every ball he faced until he was bowled for 10, and Joli then became the first victim for Matt “Clarky” Clark, playing for the opposition after they had had a late drop out. Clarky in fact produced a very respectable spell, taking 1-40 in 8 overs despite bowling at the death, but the only other wicket to fall was Chopper, badly run out by Matt “Scanners” Scanlan, who later shamelessly admitted to playing for his average.
The tour party enjoy the sunshine at Oldbury
The innings eventually closed on 249, and it was evident from the start that this was going to be beyond Oldbury. Klusman and Joe “Goldfinger” Elisak opened the bowling, and started with a maiden apiece, the first two of the match. They each struck early, but not before a drop by Campari produced an old tour favorite, the 'clapping hands' hat for dropped catches. This did a brisk trade in swapping heads throughout the innings, with Klusman, Son of Tosh, Joshey and Scanners all having turns, some almost seeming to become attached to it and looking for every chance to take it back – no names here, but a man with a battered chest will know who we mean. The fall of the second wicket brought a change in the game, as the Oldbury number 4, S. Phelps, looked to play his shots. He was savage on Goldfinger, and also hit two big sixes off Chopper, but was much less certain against the very slow spin of Cisco, miscing him and getting away with it a couple of times, before on 49 he hit one high in the air. Son of Tosh was under it, but let it through his hands to bang into his chest (hint, hint) before falling to the ground and coming up clutching the ball. It took a while to convince the batsman that the ball had been caught cleanly, but it should have been obvious to him from the way the fielders were gleefully pouncing on every mistake by their colleagues that there was no chance they would have let a fielder claim a catch he hadn't taken. Phelps 49 off just 26 balls had changed the tone a bit, but realistically Oldbury were still completely out of it. From here on it was a matter of chipping away at the wickets. Chopper picked up three, including the unfortunate Clarky, who found himself batting to a 9-0 offside field consisting entirely of slips, gullies and silly points, but instead of lashing out was paralysed and edged one into the cordon to be well held by Klusman. Joli also picked up a wicket with his very slow but prodigiously turning leg breaks, but there followed a frustrating 8th wicket stand of 51 between Ford (who made 46) and the very young J. Garrett, who survived 41 balls for 2. With the late start and a heat inspired leisurely over rate the game was in danger of going on into the following day, and skipper Klusman realised it was time to take it by the scruff of the neck. He returned himself and brought on Campari at the other end, and together they picked up the last three wickets to leave New Ash Green the victors by 86 runs. The game had dragged on a bit, but seems to have been enjoyed by most of the participants on both sides, and both teams attended the Anchor in numbers for a few drinks and some food, plus the first fines of the tour, imposed by Klusman. Dropped catches and tour virginity featured heavily amongst the misdemeanours, but possibly the most controversial fine was that given to Joshey for allowing his mother to choose his tour nickname, a charge he strenuously denied. The fines collected paid for a few drinks for the opposition and after a respectable session the team wended their way back to the fleshpots of Clifton to locate their accommodation and settle in for the evening's entertainment.
Cisco shows off his classical bowling action, while Son of Tosh sports "The Hat" in the background
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Friendly Match - 40 overs
New Ash Green 192 all out (39.2 overs)
Coalpit Heath 123 all out (31.2 overs)
New Ash Green won by 69 runs
The morning after the first night before, and at first it seemed that an uneventful night had been had by all. Gradually over the course of the day, though, and one or two details started to come out to suggest it hadn't been quite as peaceful a night as some would have liked to believe. Pictures of Joli and Scanny (today known as Swinging Tits due to a change of shirt) dancing with their shirts off were not a pretty sight, though they did confirm the appropriateness of Swinging Tits change of name. Later stories emerged of sections of the party having a fruitless trek through Bristol under the directions of Ruby to visit a variety of closed hostelries, and finally details emerged over which a veil should be swiftly drawn of Campari (now known as The Wall, also on a second shirt) setting a bad example of how to travel around town cheaply late at night.
Remarkably the party were all intact the following morning, and a few even sampled the breakfast – which made sense as it was included in the price, though apparently it turned out to be something of a disappointment. A few shopping trips were made to the big cricket shop and other places, and the party slowly gathered together for the journey to Coalpit Heath. A combination of roadworks in the (sweltering) center of Bristol and slow food service at the Badminton Arms meant that arrival at the ground was a piecemeal and slightly late affair, but the opposition were in no desperate hurry, and the game managed to start rather earlier than Sunday's. Skipper for the day was Moonshine, after a hotly fought election campaign with John “Spot” Howland, and a forty over game was quickly agreed, with the opposition once again generously allowing New Ash Green the toss. In the humid and hot conditions Moonshine had no hesitation in batting first, and immediately putting his own name down at number 11. His plan to put his feet up might have been more effective had he (a) realised that the very young average age of the Coalpit Heath side was no guarantee of victory (New Ash Green having been previously hammered by Coalpit Heath under 12s) and (b) chosen a slightly more durable opening pair than Spot and Cisco. The pair duly took 2 each from the first over (separated by a bye) and one each from the second before Spot played on to one that bounced. Goldfinger saw off the next over, but then Cisco was bowled to the first ball of the next, so Matthew “Q” Quantrill faced a hat trick ball as his introduction to tour. He duly survived that, and he and Goldfinger then played a solid partnership, playing sensibly against what was mostly slow accurate bowling on a dead wicket, but punishing anything off target. They saw off the openers and the pacier change bowling of Coalpit Heath captain Tom Williams, a veteran of many tour games as a junior and now graduated to the Coalpit Heath first team. They also played soundly against the very young spinners, Ed Brown and Rory Woodland, who both bowled very accurately with good flight. The partnership was interrupted by a heavy shower of rain that looked as if it might get much worse, but it lasted only a few minutes, with the worst of the weather apparently just missing the ground. Goldfinger reached his maiden fifty at the half way stage of the innings, and soon afterwards Q took advantage of the short boundaries on the pavilion side to hit two sixes and a four in one over and bring up a century partnership. With his own fifty secure soon afterwards and plenty of batting remaining he then tried to take advantage of the short boundary again, from the wrong end, by playing a Pietersenesque switch hit. Much to the merriment of the crowd he got nowhere near pulling it off, and was bowled for 53 to end a stand of 112 for the 3rd wicket. Goldfinger followed not long afterwards, going for a mighty hit and not really getting hold of it, he was caught for 60. A further rain break looked as if it might be more permanent, but it too eased up and from then on the weather was much brighter and fresher. Matt “Bushtaq” Bushe played a couple of excellent straight drives, but Joshey didn't hit hard enough and was caught. Clarky started with a three, but next ball Bushtaq failed to get hold of one properly and was caught straight, and two balls later Clarky perished in similar fashion, with the fielder running round well to take the catch. This gave Woodland three wickets in an over, and four in total, and with Jasper “Jazzmags” Holliday to bowl at he always had a better than average chance of making it five. Jazzmags did score a couple, but duly became the Woodlands fifth victim, before The Wall belied his new nickname by going out and swinging the bat at everything, spoiling Woodland's figures by taking three fours from his last five balls, leaving him with 5-30. He and Ruby continued to swing at almost everything, without quite as much success, before The Wall was bowled by Williams for 17, forcing Moonshine to the wicket. He wasn't there long, though, before Ruby skyed one and was very well caught, and the innings was over with 4 balls left, the final total being 192.
A shaft of light pierces the gloom in the first rain break
With the rain delays the second innings started at something close to 6pm, but in much brighter weather, and New Ash Green made every effort to get through the overs and make up for lost time. The Wall produced a solid spell without success, bowling through eight overs for just 15 runs, but it was at the other end that the action came. Moonshine bowled a short burst himself, but after three tidy overs he decided to open things up a bit and turned to Jazzmags. His looping slow bowling caused immediate confusion to the young opener, who threw the bat at it and gently lobbed it up in the air for a delighted Jazzmags to take the return catch. The two elder statesmen of the Coalpit Heath side were now at the wicket, and you might have expected them to play Jazzmags with more caution, but Micky Pritchard (another veteran of many years tour games) was initially circumspect, but then tried to lash one round the corner, and hit it straight into The Wall. Young Woodland tucked his first ball away for 2, but then couldn't resist another big swing, and looped up a gentle catch to Q in the covers, leaving Jazzmags with 3-5 in two overs. An over later he had to be taken off to make a game of it, having induced more mis-hits, and Bushtaq joined, the fray. Anything you can do, I can do better....he took a caught and bowled first ball. From here on Coalpit Heath had their best spell, with Trollope and the Williams brothers making runs from Bushtaq and Joshey, though Joshey did get a maiden wicket when Trollope pulled to mid wicket and was held by man of the moment Jazzmags above his head. It was Ruby and Clarky who eventually made the breakthroughs, Clarky contributing with two catches and two wickets, and there was a run out as well. Jazzmags replaced Ruby and struck immediately via a Clarky catch, but couldn't get a fifth in that over, and Clarky himself took the last wicket before Jazzmags could bowl again. Clarky finished with 2-8, but it was Jazzmags who was the star of the show with a career best 4-12.
Another good game, with players on both sides getting a good go at both batting and bowling. A few drinks were shared by the teams, and fines were dished out by Moonshine. There were a number of fines for bringing the wife on tour (Senior Pro, Jazzmags and Moonshine himself), fines for Klusman for some poor substitute fielding for the opposition and one for Q for playing his 100th tour game for New Ash Green. Notable by their absence were any fines for dropped catches, poor Joshey being stuck with The Hat for the entire game, despite the fact that he should not have been wearing it in the first place, Klusman having persuaded him to look after it temporarily while he was bowling. More drinks were bought with the fines proceeds, a barbecue was partaken of, and in all the excitement various items were left at Coalpit Heath. The journey back to Clifton was rather less fraught than the outward trip had been, and the party split into groups for the evening's entertainment, details of which will no doubt emerge in due course.
Mr. & Mrs. Jazzmags celebrate his career best figures
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Friendly Match
Failand & Portbury 149-5 dec. (30 overs)
New Ash Green 148 all out (34 overs)
New Ash Green lost by 1 run
First of all this report has to start with a message of thanks to those who have provided feedback. It seems we have at least three or four regular readers following the reports daily. So...Terri, vigorously denying things only tends to increase the level of fine, Hannah, it was a horrible sight, even seen only in a small picture, and Micky, no, really they weren't blind. As for the second night's revelries, getting the truth has been more difficult than the previous night, whether because of increasing levels of drunkenness and debauchery or a fear of having their exploits instantly plastered over the world wide web I can't say. For the parents of the most junior members of the tour party I can reassure you that your offspring were up to nothing more debauched than a bit of late night pool. For parents, family, girlfriends and other acquaintances of the remaining tourists I can offer no such promise. Don't bother asking Bushtaq though, he is in no position to confirm or deny anything, though when this theory was put to the test he was fairly adamant that prostitutes were not involved in any way at all. He was also sure that kebab shops weren't involved, though, something which other members of the party do have a recollection of. Aside from this, positive information is hard to come by, but it does appear that Ruby's Magical Mystery Tour made a welcome re-appearance, with equal lack of success.
Ruby's Magical Mystery Tour is Coming to Take You Away
Despite the rigours of the night before Bushtaq was determined to stick to the itinerary, and that involved departing for pitch and putt by 10 a.m. Sore heads were dragged from beds promptly and despite the imminent likelihood of rain the party were dragooned into cars ready for the off, only for departure to be delayed by Cherry Picker (formerly known as Klusman - yet another change of shirt) finding he had a flat tyre on his car. By the time this was sorted out and the party had arrived at Ashton Gate time for a full 18 holes was running out, but the team duly set off round the course, with Q and Spot leading the way. As it turned out they were the only ones to have time to complete the full 18 holes, and Spot was therefore duly declared the club golf champion after going round in 82 strokes, though it appears that Cisco was the dark horse and was on course for a win had time been on his side. The Wall had the individual success of the day with a birdy 2 on one hole, but this was mixed up with a few 8's, so his overall total may not have been so admirable. The entire team survived a couple of drenchings by the various showers which passed over, and headed off for lunch at the Black Horse in Clapton in Gordano, where they showed further (fool) hardiness by sitting outdoors on wet benches. A quick lunch saw departure for the ground just before the arrival of the Plum Duffster, accompanied by his daughter, who giggled (and not nervously) when Q suggested the tour party was full of eligible young bachelors. She was nonetheless persuaded to accompany her father to the ground for an hour or two and watched him partake in a bit of light umpiring before dragging him off to the obviously altogether more enticing delights of the Cribbs Causeway shopping center.
Arrival at the ground found a rather gloomy looking Failand side standing around a very damp wicket, the ground having been hit by the full force of one of the showers that had skirted the golf course. However by some miracle the further heavy grey clouds for the most part skirted round the ground, with just the occasional short shower, and with a good wind providing helpful drying conditions the captains were eventually able to agree a start at 3.15. Remarkably, and with great good judgment, they still felt able to play a time game, with tea at 5 and twenty overs from six thirty. The outcome of the toss was never revealed, but New Ash Green skipper for the day Chopper informed his side that they were fielding first, and with various degrees of reluctance they got changed and set off. The opening bowlers were Son of Tosh and Goldfinger, and Son of Tosh struggled initially, trying to bowl too fast and losing control, bowling too short or too wide. Goldfinger did make a breakthrough, though, with a tiny nick caught behind by Scanners. He also dropped one off his own bowling - well, got his fingertips to it, but it was enough to earn him custody of The Hat, which had finally been reclaimed by its rightful owner, Cherry Picker, before the start of the game. Cherry Picker, meanwhile, had replaced Son of Tosh, and he and Goldfinger were successfully slowing the run rate. The increased pressure brought a run out, and the return of Son of Tosh. Bowling from the other end off a shorter run he was far more successful, and indeed quicker. He should have have had a wicket in his first over back when a cut to cover was put down by Bushtaq, but got one in his second over, when Bushtaq redeemed himself by taking an almost identical catch, though he couldn't get rid of The Hat. The dropped catch had been the potentially dangerous John Bachelor, but Son of Tosh got his man when Cherry Picker held a catch shortly afterwards, and New Ash Green had taken enough wickets to try a variety of spinners at one end, while skipper Chopper bowled at the other. Jazzmags and Clarky were unable to repeat their success of the previous day, while Chopper was economical without getting through, until going for 13 in his last over. It was Spot who did take the last wicket to fall, getting the batsman to play on, and the total reached 149-5 at tea. That isn't a high score on this ground, and Failand skipper Paul Bachelor debated for some time before deciding to declare, knowing that New Ash Green would have an hour and twenty overs to chase the runs, but eventually he decided not to bat on, and as it turned out it was a perfectly judged decision.
Initially it appeared that the total would be nowhere near enough as Andy "Shirley" Payne marked his debut on tour with 11 runs from the first over, including six over point, and another four in the second, but from the last ball he stabbed a full toss back to the bowler and was gone. Scanners and Delicate Quim (please don't ask, it is what it says on the back of Joli's second shirt) were initially steady, but Scanny began to look increasingly authoritative, and saw off the opening bowling before edging the second ball from the change bowling low to slip where he was well caught one handed by the veteran Pete Slocombe. Cherry Picker joined Delicate Quim, but was soon struck down by what they are calling “The Curse of Quantrill”. Following Saturday's league game where two batsmen had got out just as Q was saying they looked in good form, on this occasion Q was just mentioning that there had not yet been any ducks on tour when Cherry Picker steered a ball gently into the covers and became the first one. With the three leading batsmen out the run rate slowed to a crawl, as Bushtaq and Delicate Quim took 16 minutes to add five more runs, before under pressure from the sidelines they ran a risky second and Bushtaq was run out by a direct hit to become the second duck on tour. With the twenty overs fast approaching and more than 100 still needed Chopper went in himself on a mission to speed up the run rate. In the meantime Delicate Quim, who took 32 balls over his first 5 runs, took off his helmet and played like a completely different player. He and Chopper added 55 runs in just 30 minutes, scoring from all the bowlers, before Chopper tried to steer one past the slips and found the safe hands of gully. Goldfinger failed to follow up his maiden fifty, holing out for the third duck of the innings soon afterwards, but Son of Tosh was in no mood to hang about, hitting three successive fours early on to reduce the run rate to a very manageable four an over. With Delicate Quim still batting soundly the pair seemed to be easing to victory. Delicate Quim became the third New Ash Green player in successive matches on tour to make a maiden half century, but with just 8 needed to win and more than 4 overs to get them in the Curse of Quantrill struck again, when an innocent comment that from a neutral point of view the game would benefit from a wicket led to a huge swipe from Son of Tosh and his off stump being knocked back, ending his contribution at 25. There didn't seem to be any need to panic still, with Delicate Quim still in, and when he hit another four all seemed in control. Whether he was trying to finish in style or just panicked, though, he hit the next ball less well and was caught for 58. Now the tension was mounting, as neither Spot nor Clarky seemed to have any confidence in attacking shots. They nudged a single, to leave three needed, but struggled to add another as time began to run out. With three balls left Clarky went for the hit, and his top edge looped up for the wicketkeeper to take running backwards. Spot managed a single off the next ball, to leave Jazzmags facing the last ball, and all four results still possible. He failed to get much on it, and the ball rolled through to the keeper, but Spot had set off for the run anyway, and the keeper kept his head, running up to the stumps and beating Spot by a few yards, leaving Failand the winners by 1 run.
The helmeted Delicate Quim in stonewall mode
About as perfect an end to a tour game as you could ask for, apart from the result going the other way or a tie being secured, and just reward to all those involved for persevering in the difficult conditions and playing a game. A good few drinks were enjoyed, as well as the remnants of a superb tea, and the fines committee got into action. The usual playing fines were mixed with ones for Shirley for poor fathering skills (bellowing for help with a dirty nappy) and Q for the Curse of Quantrill, and everyone left the ground satisfied and made their way back to Clifton, where the majority headed for a curry, after which the plan was for a quiet and relatively early night. More news on that to follow....
D.Q. enjoys the fruits of his maiden fifty
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Friendly Match - 40 Overs
New Ash Green 245-5 (40 overs)
Temple Cloud 142 all out (31.1 overs)
New Ash Green won by 103 runs
It was allegedly a quiet night, though the fact that James Porter acquired the nickname of Ladykiller in time for the ten pin bowling suggests that he at least finally took advantage of the fleshpots of Bristol. A curry and some karaoke seems to have been the limit of most people's ambitions, despite the newly arrived David “The Baker/Sensuous Naval” Baker trying his best to stir up some outrageous behaviour. As a result the squad were in a more than usually serviceable state in the morning and able to get on the way to the ten pin bowling almost on time. There were no major mishaps on the way, and Arch Negotiator Spot managed to secure a bargain price of three pounds a head for two games of bowling for those who were partaking. It would be fair to say that for the most part the standard was poor, though Goldfinger got off to a flying start, reaching 113 in five frames. At this point his photo was taken to post on the website as the inevitable champion, and he went completely to pieces. He finished the first game on 144, and was nowhere in the second. He was overtaken by Bushtaq with 147 in the first game, but he in turn was surpassed by Chopper on 155. In the second game Chopper streaked away with 180, with only Spot and Q on 142 making much of an impression, and Tom ”Gizmo” Harrington, who bettered the majority of the senior tourists by making 101. He then blotted his copybook by forgetting to take his shoes back, his father only spotting the brightly coloured bowling shoes on his feet as he was getting back into the car. The squad then made their way by various more, or in some cases less, direct routes to the pub, collecting Arron “Safe Hands” Ward from Templemeads and Shirley from the lanes around Hinton Blewitt on the way. Lunch passed largely without incident, but in the great tradition of matches at Temple Cloud a large lunch delayed the arrival of some of the crowd, Sensuous Naval tucking into a large mixed grill before heading for the ground with Cisco and Campari.
Goldfinger demonstrates the form that was soon to spectacularly desert him
By the time the three errant eaters had arrived at the ground Scanners had been 'elected' captain for the day, and had won the toss and elected to bat first in a forty over game. Not being present as the order was being chosen the “mixed grill three” found themselves down the order and opening bowlers. Opening were Cherry Picker and Safe Hands, who was cheered all the way to 17, being dropped once on the boundary by the President, but eventually bowled by Head. There followed a lengthy partnership of 136 for the second wicket between Cherry Picker and Chopper, full of powerful and well placed shots, or uncontrolled shots in the air which evaded the fielders, depending which account you listened to. Just as the crowd were beginning to debate the possibility of a Cherry Picker century his innings ended with the quietest of appeals leaving Shirley no option but to raise his finger – Cherry Picker LBW for 83. Clarky was in next, and having taken a lot of stick for spending all his remaining tour funds on a new bat he was determined to prove its worth. He was sure he had given it enough knocking in overnight, and to be fair did hit three good fours with it before he too was LBW, for 14. This brought Q to the wicket under orders to get on with it from the start, as time was running out. This he tried to do, and after initially mistiming it he then hit a four and a six from successive shots, losing the match ball in the field across the road from the ground in the process. The replacement ball wasn't so much to his liking, and he looped one up in the air and was caught for 13. Attention was now focused on Chopper, and whether or not he had enough time to make 100, but in attempting to speed things up he clipped one off his legs to square leg and was out for 80. Cisco and Joli kept things moving in the last couple of overs, both getting into double figures at better than a run a ball, Cisco playing one particularly impressive drill through mid-wicket for 4, and the final total was 245-5.
This might have seemed a safe score, but Temple Cloud have made more than that quite a few times against the tourists, and although they were missing their strongest batsmen it was noticed in the tea interval that one of their number, Gary James, had made a double century already this season. The Baker and Campari, opening the attack, initially looked as if they might struggle to contain the run rate, but each time Temple Cloud looked as if they might get away they lost a wicket. Campari struck first, bowling Webb, then it was The Baker's turn, with an edge looping gently to Cherry Picker at slip. Almost immediately Campari struck again, getting an edge to Scanners behind the stumps, and then it was The Baker's turn again, bowling Hunt. Although the run rate had remained high the opening pair had done the damage to the home side's top order, and retired from the attack, to be replaced by Goldfinger, who bowled a steady spell of spin without success, and Cisco, who once again bamboozled the batsmen with a variety of slow turners. The Hat made a few moves in the game, but the most clear cut came off Cisco's bowling when Culbraith completely mistimed one to give Joli the gentlest of catches, which he somehow contrived to put down. Cisco, however, soon had his man, Culbraith's next attempt at a big hit gently rising a few feet straight up and being easily taken by Scanners. A few balls later and Cisco struck again, Head going for a hit and being brilliantly caught by a swallow diving Clarky at mid on. A double wicket maiden for Cisco, and after one more over he was removed from the attack with 2-29. The bowling baton was now passed to Clarky and Safe Hands, and it was Clarky who struck first. The batsman, Radford, had been going for the big hit, and he connected well with one, though getting a little underneath it, and sent it soaring out to the boundary near the pavilion, where Cisco was waiting. Those who have played with Cisco over the last couple of years will know that he has missed a few, some of them complete sitters, so there was little sense of anticipation in the crowd, but kneeling to take it low Cisco took it calmly, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. The eruption of joy from the fielding side who ran to greet him can't have made the batsman feel any better, nor can it have helped to be told he was the first person Cisco had ever caught, but his increasing confidence in the field does suggest he won't be the last. Safe Hands struck next, having apparently done something to annoy the Senior Pro, who was umpiring. Safe Hands suddenly found that anything not hitting the stumps was given as a wide, which accounted for the majority of the runs he conceded after starting with his maiden maiden. He did, however, manage to get one edged for The Baker to take a good catch. Having got his wicket he was replaced by Q, for his first (and probably last) over of the season for New Ash Green. He was swiped for four by the President, but then improved his line and bowled him, and promptly removed himself from the attack, leaving Cherry Picker to have a go – a single ball which was gently lifted into the air. Scanners should have had the easiest of catches, but completely lost sight of it – allegedly because of The Hat (which he had comprehensively earned) blocking his view. Luckily his blushes were spared by an alert Goldfinger, who dived forward from gully and caught the ball inches from the ground to give New Ash Green a 103 run win.
It was an entertaining game again, but the evening that followed may have improved on it. It started with a game of stumps while the barbecue was warming up, seeing various tourists staggering all over the ground, and then fines were imposed. Amongst the usual dropped catches and poor performances were a number for making off from the bowling alley in bowling shoes, some for starting tea before it was officially ready and most notably of all one for Cherry Picker for striking Shirley square on the head with a ball whilst he was umpiring, causing him to have to retire hurt from umpiring for several overs.
Son of Tosh demonstrates how to stand straight after turning round a stump ten times with your head down, one of a number of tourists who showed how easy it is to run in a straight line immediately afterwards
The games then moved on to a bit of blow football, and then an old favourite, Spoons. Long standing Spoons champion Chopper faced a brave challenge from Safe Hands. Safe Hands never quite grasped the technique, but his undoubted bravery in facing up to numerous hard blows to the head from the more adept Chopper earned him great admiration, and he gamely refused to concede despite the beating he was getting. Eventually it was only a disqualification for dropping his spoon three times that brought the contest to a close. The epic contest was captured for posterity, and Safe Hands may wish to see the picture below for some tips on the Chopper technique which he survived so well, something he was unable to witness at close quarters during the contest as his head was, of course, down between his legs. Finally another old favorite, Lancaster Bomber, made a welcome return, with The Baker working superbly hard as the embattled Engine No.3, and earning a generous cooling off. Finally the evening broke up and the party headed back to Bristol for a big night out, hoping that the weather, unexpectedly good today, would prove again to be better than forecast and allow the final game to take place as well.
Chopper demonstrates exactly how to give someone a good whack on the head with a spoon held in your mouth
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Friendly Match - 40 Overs
New Ash Green 169 all out (39.2 overs)
Barrow Gurney 145 all out (32.1 overs)
New Ash Green won by 24 runs
Second night on tour for The Baker, and first night for Safe Hands, and the town was, apparently, hit. Most of what may or may not have happened seems to have centered around Cherry Picker's success, or otherwise, with women. Depending who you believe he either pulled repeatedly, snogging a succession of fit young women, or possibly snogged a ginger moose who had already been turned down by The Baker. Either way when your success with women is measured mainly by being able to stand next to them for more than a minute before they move away it was a successful night for the Cherry Picker. His journey home was less successful, his memory of it being limited to being rude to a taxi driver, who for some quite bizarre reason decided that he didn't want to take on him and Safe Hands when they turned out to be completely unable to tell him where they wanted to go beyond saying vaguely that it was at the top of a hill somewhere. There was some anxious knocking on doors in the morning, but it turned out that by some miracle everyone in the party had made it back to the halls in one piece and without being arrested. It was a long slow get up for some, particularly for Safe Hands, who having made breakfast had something of a relapse in the hour or two afterwards. Luckily there were no scheduled events in the morning and no one had to face Bushtaq's countdown until 11.30. It still took some time to get everyone herded together and off to the pub for lunch, but everyone made it there eventually, barring Cisco and Campari, of whom more anon. The car journey had played havoc with Safe Hands equilibrium, and shortly after arrival at the Prince's Motto he headed for the gents, only to return soon afterwards and have to ask the barmaid whether she had any cleaning equipment, as he had redecorated the toilets. He thought he felt better for it, and braved a basket of scampi for lunch, politely declining the barmaid's offer of a bucket to go with it.
Safe Hands lets the night before catch up while waiting to go to lunch
The squad made the short journey up the lane to the ground, and the prayed for miracle with the weather appeared to be happening. Despite constant low grey clouds scudding across all afternoon there was only the briefest of showers and a full match took place. Skipper for the day was Rob “The President” Newmarch, in his first and quite possibly last appearance for the club this year. He lost the toss, and was asked to bat – something of a bonus given that every game on tour so far had been won by the side batting first. The Barrow side, so often filled with stalwarts of the thirty years of fixtures between the clubs, looked young and fit, and this looked like it might prove to be the toughest game of the week. Shirley and Q were sent out to open the batting, and faced up to a quick and accurate opening bowler, and at the other end the veteran Phil Febrey, who despite one over of aberrations was mostly also pretty tidy. As a result the run rate crawled along very sedately, the total only having reached 18 by the end of the 10th over. Shirley's bid to hurry things up a bit saw one four, but then an uppish drive was taken, after a bit of juggling, by mid-off. Spot followed soon after, beaten for pace by the opener Hood, but he was then removed from the attack with an over in hand, and subsequently departed from the match to protect a broken finger, as Barrow had managed to arrange 12 players. Chopper kept Q company for a while, and they seemed to be picking up runs, especially against anything dropped short, but just as they were getting on top Chopper edged and was magnificently caught by a diving Geoff Saunders, the one real veteran in the Barrow side. Q was then joined by The Baker, and having been in a while he started to time the ball. He put one full toss a long way out of the ground, then embarked on a purple patch where everything seemed to find the middle and he scored 45 from 18 balls. The 5th wicket partnership added 54 in just 7 overs before The Baker was bowled by one that kept low, but Bushtaq kept the momentum going with a four first ball. At this point it looked as if New Ash Green might reach the 200+ total they were looking for, but they then lost momentum a bit. Bushtaq was caught going for the drive, and Son of Tosh was stumped after never really coming to terms with the wicket. Q could only add a few more singles, before top edging one while trying to pull and being tamely caught for 90. Scanners swatted some good fours, and The President and Safe Hands hit one each, but they couldn't keep the ball on the ground on the slow wicket and the end came with 4 balls of the 40th over remaining and the total on 169.
In the conditions it was a respectable score, but this is usually a high scoring ground and it was certainly less than The President had wanted from a strong batting side that was a little light on bowling. There was almost a bonus first ball, when the non-striker called a very tight run and Q threw to the far end and seemed to be on the way to a direct hit when Chopper intercepted the ball, believing it was going over the stumps. It would have been a useful bonus, as the batsman was the skipper's brother, now playing a rather higher standard of cricket and expected to play a match winning innings. The two fours he hit from the last two balls of the opening over certainly made it look as if 169 would not be enough, but slowly Chopper and Son of Tosh reeled in the run rate, and Son of Tosh did for the star batsman with a beauty that swung back into him and rapped him on the pads. He was well forward, but the flight had given the umpire (Joli) every chance to see the line, and it did look very out. The batsman walked off shaking his head, but the breakthrough had been made. The next wicket also involved a slightly dubious piece of umpiring, as the opening batsman, Ben Figueirdo, was a Clifton school boy, and had been exchanging banter with the Senior Pro, an old boy of the school, all afternoon. As he faced up to Chopper Senior Pro said to him “Don't get your pads in the way”, and lo and behold on the last ball of the over he did get his pads in the way and the finger went up. To be fair to the Senior Pro, it was about as out as an LBW ever gets, having just cut away a little and beaten the bat, hitting the back leg right in front of middle stump, but the umpire sledging the batsman and then giving him out is not the sort of thing that most people would expect a person to be taught at an elite public school such as Clifton. Barrow skipper Phil Milton was now at the wicket, and his innings promised to be critical. He lost one partner in Scanners' first over, a gentle top edge lobbing up easily for Q behind the stumps, but continued to punish anything loose from Scanners and Bushtaq. However just as it appeared Barrow were getting on top Milton became yet another victim of the top edge, looping one up for Scanners to take the return catch. Bushtaq got in on the act himself soon afterwards getting one to lift more than expected and being rewarded by a fine catch by Safe Hands at slip, now over the worst of his lunch time excesses. Rob Figueiredo and Adam Curtis kept the board ticking over though, and the 26 they put on for the 6th wicket seemed again to swing the game Barrow's way. A different sort of swing was in evidence when Chopper returned at the far end, enough to get him several wides, but also to induce an edge which was caught by a full length dive from Bushtaq. James Griffin carried on the good work, but perhaps the crucial moment came when Curtis tried to pinch a quick single to square leg, and was brilliantly run out by a direct hit from Son of Tosh. Another moment when the New Ash Green umpires didn't cover themselves in glory – Clarky was the man on the spot, but instead of getting into position he celebrated and appealed as the ball hit the stumps before remembering himself and giving the batsman out. Luckily it was a clear run out, or it could have been a touch more embarrassing. Although Barrow battled on it now seemed to be just a matter of time. The Baker induced a rash pull which went into Joshey's hands, another in the same over was hit harder at the same fielder and escaped his grasp, earning him The Hat. Shirley was brought on for his first bowl of tour, and managed to put a whole over on the spot and bowl the last of the youngsters, finishing with a wicket maiden and thus securing top spot in the tour bowling averages. He didn't get a chance to spoil those figures because The Baker again induced a pull into Joshey's hands, this time safely taken, and the game was over, leaving New Ash Green with a tour record of four wins and a 1 run defeat.
During the second innings the missing Cisco and Campari turned up at the ground, having arrived by taxi. They obviously thought they were going for a day at the text match, arriving in fright wigs in black and lurid pink, as well as false moustaches, dodgy shoes and cheap sunglasses. Unfortunately towards the latter half of the innings Spot chased a ball round the boundary and in sticking out a foot for it managed to go over on his ankle and twist it. A substitute fielder was required, and it was Campari in his pink wig, pink trainers and sunglasses who did the job – a sight not often seen on a cricket field.
Campari and Cisco let their true inner selves show through
Once the game was over both teams returned to the Prince's Motto, where the usual fines took place, and Safe Hands then demanded a re-match with Chopper at Spoons. It turned out that he had been practicing his technique overnight, and he was convinced that he could make a better showing than he had the previous day. Suitable spoons were located, though Safe Hands did admit that he felt he may have made a mistake in letting Chopper have the heavier spoon, something he felt could make all the difference. Under the watchful eye of Cherry Picker as rules enforcer, and the surrounding New Ash Green team, plus some curious local onlookers, battle recommenced, and this time Chopper showed no mercy. Within a few mighty blows Safe Hands was driven to finally submit, accepting that he could never match Chopper's technique. He was given a warm round of applause for his bravery, and then shown some of the photos that had been taken of that day's and the previous day's contest. It took a while for the penny to drop, but to be fair he was extremely sporting in his acceptance of having been done up like a kipper, and confessed his heavy spoon worries. The team then moved outside to try a game invented by Chopper, who allegedly has a special room at home set aside for practicing, involving picking up a cardboard box from the ground with your teeth, without putting anything except your feet on the ground. The box is slowly torn away until the last remaining contestants are trying to pick up a flat piece of cardboard. Chopper led the way, but was matched by Gizmo and Joli, with a fine performance also coming from Cisco, who couldn't quite manage the final hurdle.
Cisco trying to pick up cardboard with his teeth
Finally it was back to Clifton for end of tour meal. There was some difficulty in finding somewhere prepared to accept a party of twenty, but eventually a Chinese restaurant was found and a large meal was had by all. Thereafter, no doubt, there would be further trips out on the town, but unless they turn out to be very spectacular a veil will be drawn over events at that point. A hugely successful tour, with the weather amazingly holding off and allowing all five games to be played with only brief interruptions, success on the field, with only the narrow defeat against Failand preventing a clean sweep, and apparently a great deal of enjoyment had by most, if not all, of the party off the field. After a few years of struggling for numbers it is to be hoped that this will mark a revival in tour fortunes – there is even talk of trying for a second team game on tour – something which has been done once before. That may prove overly-ambitious, but the very idea is a mark of success. The mix of players from all levels of the club can only have been a good thing as well, one that will hopefully lead to more unity between the sides in future. All in all, a great success. Well Toured, one and all.
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