Sunday July 28th, 2002

40 over game

New Ash Green 278-5
Gordano Valley 211 all out
New Ash Green won by 67 runs.

Over the years there must have been many legendary journeys and detours on tour, some accidental and some (involving Paul Martin and James Thorn) deliberate. Few, though, can probably compare with that of the bulk of the touring party for this first match of the 2002 tour. Having safely found their way to Clifton and Goldney Halls, where they have stayed for 7 years, and needing to travel less than 10 miles to Portishead, where they have been going for some 15 years, they must have thought they were safe letting one of the more experienced tourists lead the convoy. Andy Payne, however, had other ideas. The direct route, used many times over the last few years, was not for him. Oh no, he claims to only know one road in the west country, the A370. Unfortunately this doesn’t go to Portishead, it goes to Weston-Super-Mare, and so it was off to the seaside for the unlucky (or perhaps foolish) tourists who chose to follow him, before wending their way back up the coast to the pub some 40 minutes later than expected. A hasty meal followed, but if New Ash Green were slightly late on the ground Gordano Valley were even later, and surely they must know more roads than the A370? Their late arrival did allow the New Ash Green side to watch the grand entrance of the Hoddinott’s and McCloskey on the ground in their 1980 Hoddmobile, one Hoddinott driving, the other with a foot out the window (or was that the driver with foot out the window – it could as easily have been!) while Nigel McCloskey reclined resplendent in the back seat with an easy air of decadence, pouring crisps into his mouth in the manor of a Roman emperor being fed grapes, or for those of more modern tastes, reminiscent of Jabba the Hutt in Star Wars.

Once the teams had sorted themselves out and Kieran Hoddinott had signed up for the opposition, the captains agreed a 40 over game and that New Ash Green should bat first. Pete Burke and Andy Cox went out to open the batting, and despite a very reasonable opening attack set off at a good rate. Indeed as the score reached 51 in the tenth over it began to look as if they might bat through when Burke missed one completely and was bowled for 19. Matthew Quantrill joined Cox, and they kept the score ticking along at a tidy rate, profiting more from weak fielding than weak bowling – Gordano Valley must be one of the few teams that could challenge this New Ash Green side in a total weight contest and one bowler described it as like fielding with 10 Mr. Blobby’s. They saw off the openers and nearly the first change bowlers, but when the score had reached 183 in the 28th over Cox went back to one that hit him in front and was given out LBW. At the time there had been a number of hints from the pavilion that he may be approaching a century, and as each succeeding run had failed to bring applause from the sidelines the tension had mounted. Clear hints had been given that he was on 99 when he was out, and indeed this is what the book had recorded, but a later recount awarded him 100, probably in an attempt to entice a jug out of him.

James Thorn followed a few balls later, and then Gordano turned to their secret weapon, Kieran Hoddinott, who until now had been entertaining himself by appealing for LBW from square leg every time the ball hit the pads. Having developed a reputation as a seam bowler in recent league games Kieran decided that now was the time to capitalise and bowl spin. He started with three full tosses, which allowed Matthew Quantrill to reach his 50 without pressure, and then pitched one. Feeling that the bowler might now have found his length Quantrill advanced down the pitch to the next ball, only to find it arriving at shoulder height. The resultant slice fell safely into the hands of Alex Payne, and Quantrill left the pitch to be told by everybody that he would regret this cavalier attitude as he would never hear the last of it! However if he was going to have anything to regret then worse was in store for Andy Stuart as he was bowled by Hoddinott two overs later, at which point clearly fearing that Hoddinott might spoil the game by running through the New Ash Green lower order, Gordano’s skipper removed him from the attack. This left Micky Sumner free to launch a violent assault in the last few overs that netted him 59 from just 37 balls on the ground where he made his maiden 50, taking the final total to a seemingly impregnable 278.

Chasing this large total Gordano suffered an early blow when Nick Simms was caught behind in Andy Stuart’s first over. In light of Micky Sumner’s later keeping this was something of a bonus, though at the time it seemed a routine enough catch. Rob Fielder and Bob Storey carried the attack to New Ash Green, though, making the required run rate for the first few overs. Storey was batting well when he was the unfortunate victim of one of the few mobile pieces of fielding in the match, being caught by Matthew Quantrill off Andy Payne’s bowling. When Bob Norman followed first ball, bowled by Andy Stuart, Gordano seemed out of it at 53-3. The batsmen continued to attack, though, with Dan Peters particularly hard-hitting, and although wickets continued to fall the runs continued to be made fast enough to keep a win in prospect. Rob Fielder threw away his wicket to a careless second run, and Alex Payne strangely refused to walk when edging to slip, having to be given out – possibly horrified at becoming the third Hoddinott victim of the day. Kieran Hoddinott stayed for a while, but failed to score a run before being run out setting off for a run that was never there and being comfortably beaten by Shambrook’s direct hit. In the meantime a spectacular dropped catch where Sumner parried the ball forward and dived full length after it was adding to a number of byes and wides in the errors department, though possibly the most memorable came when Andy Stuart beat both batsman and keeper with a wide one, looked to fine leg to stop the ball only to find the fine leg fielder, Christian Hoddinott, sharing a can of beer with his brother before setting off too late to intercept the ball.

At this point the game descended somewhat (further) into farce, with Nigel McCloskey bowling an ‘interesting’ spell. His first over contained three wides, but the last (9th) ball was turned round the corner to Chris Hoddinott to give him his first ever wicket. In fact taking this wicket seemed to cause him even more problems, as it brought in Gordano’s 11 year old Matthew Long. Although hardly at express pace McCloskey felt he had to slow down even more for the 11 year old and lost his rhythm (although there were some doubts expressed as to whether he had one to lose…) The result was a fourth over that utterly baffled the scorers, containing as it did a total of 15 deliveries, nine of them wides, and leaving a box full of little crosses, eventually stuck in in any old order as the scorers desperately tried to keep track. Eventually, though, he managed to deliver a sixth straight ball, and was rewarded by young Master Long flicking the ball in the air and being caught by a prostrate Micky Sumner. Nigel retired gracefully from the attack at this point with New Ash Green’s best bowling figures for the day, 2-30.

The effects of this over on the wicket-keeper were dramatic. Unable to stand the stress he abandoned his gloves and pads, and headed into the outfield, leaving Chris Hoddinott to take over behind the sticks. There followed an extraordinary over from James Thorn in which Sumner and Andy Stuart at mid-on and mid-off did their best to outdo each other for incompetent fielding. First one, then the other, would let a catch through their hands or fail to get to one altogether, and as they were each other’s biggest critics the rest of the side were soon struggling to remain standing for laughter. It seems possible that the batsmen were suffering from a similar problem as Peters, who was keeping Gordano’s slender hopes alive with his 80, advanced down the track to try once again to torment the Sumner/Stuart combination, only to miss the ball completely and be stumped by Sumner’s replacement Chris Hoddinott. Bob Bevan and ‘Chalky’ Whyte carried on forlornly attacking but with the score on 211 Bevan holed out to Ian Shambrook, who demonstrated to Sumner & Stuart how a fielder at mid-off should take a catch and the game was over.

All that remained was a drive back to the changing rooms across the pitch, which even Andy Payne managed without getting lost, a cold shower all round and a game of hunt the plastic splinter in Micky Sumner’s foot to keep everyone entertained.

New Ash Green Man of the Match – Nigel McCloskey for his first ever wicket and for possibly bowling the longest over in New Ash Green’s history.

  Coalpit Heath v New Ash Green Touring XI

Monday July 29th, 2002

40 over game.

New Ash Green 232-9

Coalpit Heath 227 all out

New Ash Green won by 5 runs

Very little eventful seems to have happened on the morning of this game, or on the way to it, apart from Peter Burke, Andy Cox and Ian Shambrook all apparently committing the cardinal golfing sin of playing the ball from an out of bounds area, publication of which fact on the world wide web is likely to see them all banned for life from respectable golf clubs around the nation. The only moment of excitement before the start of the game (and indeed for most of the game itself) came when it emerged that Nigel McCloskey had assumed he would not be playing for two successive days and had not brought his kit. As Matthew Payne was not playing either there was no spare kit to fit Nigel, and Matthew Quantrill as the only non-player with kit available was drafted into the side, although since this was an unexpected extra game and he used his least respectable spare kit to keep his ‘good’ kit clean for later in the week, there were many questions raised as to whether he had suitable kit at all. The younger members of the touring party were struggling to cope with the concept of cricket played in a button up shirt, expecting at any moment to see a cravat and blazer added to the ensemble.

Once again the game got under way with a pair of potential opening bowlers opening the batting, this time Andy Stuart and Micky Sumner. Batting against an opening attack with an age difference of about 40 years they struggled to put 10 runs on the board in the first 5 overs before Micky succumbed to barracking from the sidelines and skied a catch. Gary Browning was hardly any more successful, taking 29 balls over his 8. James Thorn then joined Andy Stuart and initially with the aid of a number of singles they started to pick the run rate up. The taking of singles was not entirely to Thorn’s liking, and the calling of one in particular resulted in a mid-wicket discussion involving much waving of bats in the air and towards heads, after which Thorn concentrated on playing big cow-shots instead of gentle singles. The partnership reached 95 before Andy Stuart was bowled for 64. Alex Payne, a runner much more in the James Thorn mould, contributed 2 of a partnership of 19 before getting out and being followed immediately by club president Rob Newmarch, getting out to his first ball of the season for New Ash Green. James Thorn had reached his own 50 before he was bowled and Paul Sumner made a quick 18 and then edged behind himself. Darren Phillips and Kieran Hoddinott carried the total past 200 before Phillips was bowled from the last ball of the 39th over and Hoddinott took 12 from the last over and was then caught and bowled playing a pre-determined reverse sweep to a ball bowled outside leg stump. Matthew Quantrill, having been sent in with orders to reverse sweep first ball, was left without a ball to make the attempt.

Coalpit Heath started their long pursuit aggressively, although Alan Cottrell after a poor first over settled down and beat the bat a number of times, being unlucky not to take a wicket. The ball beat the edge and the fielders a number of times, and with the umpires being reluctant to give run outs as well a quick 55 were added for the first wicket before Darren Phillips struck. He could not follow up his early success, nor could Kieran Hoddinott at the other end re-capture the wicket taking form he had showed when playing against New Ash Green the previous day, and it was only the 2nd change bowlers Micky Sumner and Matthew Quantrill who ended the dangerous 2nd wicket stand, picking up a wicket each in their early overs. This left the score at 125-3 with 16 overs remaining, but any hopes this fine spin bowling pair had of running through the batting order were dashed by their fielders and another 63 were added for the 4th wicket. At this point with 9 overs left and John Williams on 50 from not many balls Coalpit Heath were looking to be cruising home, but president/captain Newmarch had other ideas. Having been hit for 4 from the first ball of his second over he then had Williams stumped from the 2nd (astonishingly Alex Payne’s 2nd stumping of the day). Even more surprisingly Payne took a catch behind the wicket 2 balls later and next ball Paul Sumner took a diving catch in the covers. 3 wickets in 4 balls didn’t quite become a hat-trick, and if Newmarch somewhat spoiled the legend he was creating for himself by being hit for 13 in his 3rd (and last) over his purple patch had nonetheless changed the whole tone of the game. Young Shane Tremlin, batting very well at number 4, continued to pull away anything loose on his legs with great confidence, and another 23 were added for the 7th wicket. His 7 year old partner was then unlucky to play on to Andy Stuart, who celebrated as if he had just clean bowled Sachin Tendulkar, so pleased was he with his performance as a spin bowler, ignoring his hapless victims tears as he left the field. A couple of 4’s off Gary Browning kept the target within Coalpit Heath’s reach, but he struck back with an LBW and Coalpit Heath skipper Bayliss Brown was run out when looking for a 2nd run that wasn’t there and being beaten by Mick Sumner’s direct hit from almost on the boundary. 15 were now needed off the last two overs, with the last pair at the crease, and they could probably only have mustered a combined age to match Andy Stuart’s own. Nonetheless he showed an attack of nerves of High Halstow proportions, as having proclaimed that every ball was on the button he unfortunately seemed to have moved the button to somewhere near the wicket-keepers left ear. The young number 11 dispatched his first 3 balls for 4,4 & 1 before Andy’s blushes were saved by the inexperience of the final pair who tried to take a desperate single that they no longer needed to risk, and were so far short of making their ground that there was time for Alex Payne to trundle out from behind the stumps, pick the ball up and run back to the stumps to remove the bails for one last time.

A game which had trundled along fairly unexcitingly for much of its course ended in a flurry of wickets and a dramatic 5 run win for New Ash Green, with entertainment for all the family. Once again both sides scored over 200. For the 2nd game in a row New Ash Green had an unexpected bowling hero, and Rob Newmarch is now favourite to top the tour bowling averages, following in the ample footsteps of Steve Hurst.

New Ash Green Man of the Match – Rob Newmarch for his dramatic recovery from Golden Duck and fielding errors to turn the game round with his bowling and engineer a dramatic finish as captain.

Tuesday July 30th, 2002

40 over game.

New Ash Green 225-8

Failand & Portbury 228-7

Failand & Portbury won by 3 wickets

In the morning those who had stayed up until 4.30 rested and those who had gone to bed at a (relatively) sensible hour pitched & putted at Portishead, where the mad old man in the hut has retired and been replaced by a young man, who no doubt will soon go mad. For those who care Thorn was the best and the Hoddinotts were the worst.

Up against a young, fit and eager side for a change New Ash Green started off very slowly, but later on Alex Payne, Andy Cox and James Thorn all scored some runs and when Failand’s spinners bowled at the end Matt Payne scored off his first 15 balls, including six sixes, on his way to 48, but then failed to score off his last two, thus avoiding any risk of having to buy a jug.

Once again defending a score of over 200 New Ash Green allowed their opponents to get away to a fast start, although Pete Burke was unlucky not to take a wicket and Paul Sumner tightened up well after being expensive early on. Eventually he made the first breakthrough, and followed it up by removing the Failand 1st XI opening bat first ball. For a while it looked as if New Ash Green might again have an unlikely bowling hero as Matt Payne took a wicket and James Thorn took two to leave Failand reeling at 100-5. However some young fat bloke (by Failand’s standards – he would be a lightweight in the New Ash Green side) smashed the ball all over the leg side, the fielders (Gary Browning in particular) made every effort to let the ball past them for four and Pete Burke and Andy Cox both dropped him. Andy Cox’s brother also smashed a few runs including hitting Ian Shambrook for 6 over point when he came on to ‘rescue’ New Ash Green, and although he eventually holed out and a couple of cheap overs temporarily put the pressure back on Failand, the fat bloke and his new young partner continued to knock off the runs comfortably enough. Eventually the new batsman hit three successive balls from Ian Shambrook just over fielders before skying one into Alex Payne’s hand when 4 were needed to win and the fat bloke ended any hopes of a dramatic late fight back from New Ash Green by pulling Shambrook for another six deep into the next field. Still at least both sides scored over 200 again, even if it did end the clubs winning run at 12 games.

PS You may have noticed that your reporter is getting a bit jaded by this stage in the tour – sorry.

PPS If you are very lucky I may be able to add a picture of Ian Shambrook posing as a wicket-keeper to this report. You may think that odd, since he was bowling at the end, but for some bizarre reason he opened the wicket-keeping while Pete Burke opened the bowling and at drinks they swapped over. There were only 2 dropped catches and 2 missed stumpings, and not that many byes.

New Ash Green Man of the Match – Matthew Payne for his battering of the spinners and his jug evasion.

Wednesday July 31st, 2002

Match cancelled - rain

Rain greeted the tourists in the morning and continued until Whitchurch called the game off, after which the weather improved marginally until raining again at about 7.00, just in case we had thought about trying to get a game in.

Half the tourists went to pitch and putt again, where most improved on their previous performances, and Paul Sumner was the best. The other half went ten pin bowling, where the standard was mostly pretty low, with Andy Cox proving the most consistent performer, though Pete Burke put in the highest score in the ‘Plate’ competition. Due to the long delay before lanes were available lunch was taken at the nearby Pizza Hut where the ‘Eat as much as you like’ lunchtime buffet got Andy Stuart enormously excited. He eagerly zipped up and down, visiting the buffet three times before anyone else had finished their first helping, making sure he got full value for his £4.99.

Having gone along with this suggestion from Andy Stuart the rest of the tourists should have been more cautious about his next suggestion, a visit to the nearby cinema to watch ‘Austin Powers – Goldmember’. Including 8 New Ash Green tourists there was an audience of 11 in a cinema capable of seating about 500. That was reduced by one before the end as one tourist walked out, and the rest were very close to following. A word of warning – if you ever have a chance to see this film, don’t bother.

In the meantime the pitch and putters had found their way to the bowling alley, where Mr. Thorn performed well and the rest were apparently abysmal, even by the standards set earlier by the likes of Gary Browning.

The day finished well with a trip to the new Presidential Palace in Clutton, on the way to which James Thorn made an attempt to wrest the tour navigation award from Andy Payne’s hands. Once the party was fully gathered a 2 shift system ensured that all were able to enjoy a feast of baked potatoes (without compulsory butter) cheese and baked beans, and enjoy the presidential half-built walls, exposed wiring, peeling wallpaper and hardboard floors. A return trip is promised in 2007 to admire the finished product.

On return to Goldney Halls the evening ended on a long game of chance with the opportunity to walk away with a box of broken matches at the end. The attractions of the ‘Clifton’ became somewhat clearer….

New Ash Green Man of the Match – Andy Stuart for his buffet performance, and for once its not his bowling we’re talking about.

Thursday August 1st, 2002

Barrow Gurney 189 all out

New Ash Green 192-5

New Ash Green won by 5 wickets

Those who were not fit enough for another game of cricket set off early in the morning for Taunton to watch Kent throw away their chance of making history by folding when within sight of making 345 to win in the Cheltenham & Gloucester Trophy semi-final. The rest managed to just about drag themselves down to the Prince of Waterloo for lunch before arriving at Barrow Gurney’s ground to find it not raining there for the first time in three years. In fact there was a little rain during the game, but not enough to affect it.

James Thorn as captain for the day may have won the toss, or may have decided with the opposition skipper what was going on, but however the decision was reached Barrow batted first. Paul Sumner and Alan Cottrell opened tidily and in the sixth over Paul induced a poor pull from Geoff Saunders for the first wicket. He soon followed this up with the wickets of Milton and Holdaway, before being removed from the attack to keep the game alive. The same happened to Kieran Hoddinott when he took a wicket in his third over, and as at this point New Ash Green had exhausted their recognised bowling reserves the game was very much kept alive. Darren Phillips bowled a marathon 11 over spell, picking up three wickets, two of them catches by Matthew Quantrill who took four in total, but was then teased by batsmen putting them just out of his reach as he looked for a fifth. Alex Payne took a wicket, but he, Matthew Payne and Nigel McCloskey all conceded runs in particular to Barrow skipper Chris Patch (41) and number 11 Pete Shiner (38*). In the end the opening bowlers had to return and it was Paul Sumner who picked up his 4th wicket just before tea to wrap up the innings.

Looking for 190 to win New Ash Green started poorly, with the first 4 wickets falling cheaply. At 37-4 after 15 overs things were looking very precarious indeed, but Barrow failed to capitalise on the position as Rob Newmarch (70*) and Alex Payne (80) built a 5th wicket partnership of 146, a new club record, and the third club record partnership to be made on this ground. Both were dropped and/or missed on a number of occasions, but they grew in confidence, Payne looking particularly impressive in the running between the wickets department, not normally his strongest suit. In the end with victory in sight he did eventually hole out. Having brought the rate down to a comfortable one from well over 6 an over New Ash Green then seemed to be putting pressure on themselves to make the runs in the last over, but Kieran Hoddinott, press-ganged into batting at number 7 after the long partnership was ended, came down the wicket to his first ball and smashed it over long on for 6 to bring up the winning runs with an over to spare.

New Ash Green Man of the Match – Paul Sumner for the best spell of bowling on tour.

Notes:

1) Rob Newmarch top of batting & bowling averages (after starting tour with a golden duck!)

2) Leading run-scorer Andy Cox. Leading wicket-taker Paul Sumner.

3) Alan Cottrell only person not to take a wicket or score a run, though he was also only person not to bat.

4) Andy Cox only person not to bowl.

5) Of those who did bowl only Alan Cottrell and Pete Burke failed to take a wicket - but they were the two most economical bowlers! (Proof that wicket buying is most successful technique on tour!)

6) Matthew Quantrill only person to bat in all 4 games - but didn't face a ball at Coalpit Heath. James Thorn and Alex Payne also played in all four games, but Alex played for opposition at Gordano Valley.